9 Years Ago Today

Nine years ago today, we met our little girl for the first time, and we held her in our arms for the first time. Nine years ago today, we cried many tears, both of sorrow and of joy. Nine years ago today, Emilie became our little girl.
I'm sure this will be a long post - and probably a tearful one for me to recount. But I can't let this day slip by without reflecting on the events of this special day to us.

The events of this day didn't all happen in just one day, it happened over a period of several months and years. The heartache of infertility is excruciatingly painful for anyone who walks it's path. After one particularly frustrating doctor appointment in January, the very strong impression of adoption came to my heart. I called the LDS agency to get some paperwork. The paperwork sat on my counter for several weeks, when one morning, in February, I was going about my usual routine, and a VERY strong impression came to me that I needed to fill that paperwork out NOW (not tomorrow, or next week). So I sat down, filled it out, and got it mailed. Then my heart was at peace again, and I continued on with my days. When our social worker, Connie, met with us to discuss the next steps - we found out that we had to take some adoption classes that are only offered twice a year, and they were coming up within a couple of weeks. We could not progress with the adoption process unless we had this class. In order to take this class, we had to have 6 months worth of paperwork to fill out (no exaggeration). Again, I had the feeling of urgency, and worked day and night to get the paperwork done before the next scheduled classes. The pieces all fell together, and in June, we were officially "waiting". In August, we received a letter and a cross-stitch picture from our future birth mother, telling us that we would be having a little girl on October 10. I can't really describe the feelings in my heart at that moment. I was both excited, and terrified. I had so many "what if's" running through my brain. At that time, we knew that our birth mother was in Utah to have the baby, but that the birth father wasn't supportive of adoption. So it was very difficult to put my heart into what was going to happen, because I just couldn't bear to have my heart broken. Yet it was totally impossible to not feel hopeful and excitement for our baby girl to come to our family. The agency took every legal precaution with the birth father to make sure that he knew his rights and had a chance to step up to the plate and be her father. However, Emilie decided to come 3 weeks early. Because of her early arrival, much of the legal details were exempt, and the birth father still had another 3 weeks to take a stand. He had told our birthmother that he intended to raise this baby (at a whopping 16 years of age). So...Emilie spent a week with her birth mother, then 2 weeks with her "in-between" mom (a fostercare mom who helped with babies in situations such as these). Cindy, (her in-between mom), emailed me every day to give me updates on our little girl. Brenda, our birth mom, sent me pictures of her. I, in the meantime, sat in my chair and stared out the window, usually with tears in my eyes. It was more than I thought I could handle at that time. I knew my baby was out there, but I didn't know if she would get to come to our family. My heart and my arms ached to hold her. During this time, my extended family, Brenda's family, Cindy's family, and many of our friends and ward members, had a special fast on Emilie's behalf. The morning of October 10, we got the phone call that we could go ahead with placement, the birth father had not made anymore contact. We quickly called my parents to join us, and we rushed to Ogden to meet our newest family member. For legal reasons, Brenda was in one room signing the papers, and we were in the next room ready to sign as soon as she had. If for some reason, the birthfather had signed with the courts between our signing, then Brenda would have signed her rights away, and he would have full custody of her. When the papers were ALL signed (you think buying a house has a lot of paperwork!), we were escorted into a room where we were able to see for the first time, our little girl. Brenda was cuddling her, with a look on her face that was way beyond her 16 years. Her parents sat next to her in support. Embraces and tears were shared, followed with laughter and good conversations. Brayden got to hold his little sister, even before we did. How many big brothers can say they got to hold their baby before their parents?!
When it came time to say our goodbyes, Emilie's birth grandfather, and her daddy, gave her a special priesthood blessing. Brenda placed Emi in my arms, as unitedly, her two mom's held her and held each other. It was truly a moment that I thought my heart would break, and a moment that I felt surrounded by heavenly angels, giving both of us strength. I love Emi's birthmom. It is as if we knew each other before this earthly life, and my heart ached with hers. We then left the room, with our baby in my arms. I thought my legs were going to give out, and Ira had to hold me up as we walked to a different room. Then we were able to really take a good look at our newest addition. She was (and still is), such a beautiful little girl.

The real difficult part for me came the very next morning, after everything had settled down, and everyone had gone home, and I had some alone time with my baby. I was holding Emilie in my arms when the phone rang. It was a case worker who told me that the birth father had called the agency that morning wanting to know what he had to do to get Emilie. My heart sank, and I was sure our dream had come to an abrupt end. As it turns out, Utah has very good laws to protect adoptive couples. Emilie wasn't "legally" ours yet, she still belonged to the agency, until she was 6 months old, and we could be proven to be fit parents. Then we could go to the courts and have her legally our daughter. The case worker who talked to the birth father, told him that he was welcome to call an attorney, and a judge, and they would tell him what steps to take. He also told him that if he tries to get her back, he will be taking the agency to court, not the adoptive couple, and the agency had never lost a case, and didn't intend on losing this one. (that was all fine and dandy, but I had these visions of our daughter a year down the road being taken from me because we had lost a legal battle). Anyways, a while later, the caseworker called us back again, and said that the birthfather had called back and said, "I have talked to a judge and to a lawyer. No one will even talk to me, because she is 3 weeks old, and she is in Utah." If he had made these phone calls 24 hours earlier, before placement, Emilie probably wouldn't be with our family today. The birthfather has since sent us a picture of himself, and received a couple letters from us. I truly believe that with adoption, THERE ARE NO COOINCIDENCES. Our Heavenly Father, who is the father of us all, has a plan. He knows the beginning from the end, and Emilie was always meant to be in our family. Now that I look back on the experience, I am very grateful for the things I learned of fasting, prayer, priesthood blessings, and mostly FAITH.
She has so many people who love her. Her birth mother has not seen her since that day, since adoption at that time was much more private than it is now. We do share letters and pictures with her a couple times a year, and she has a wonderful family of her own now. Emilie often asks me of Brenda, and I can only tell her of how much she loves her, and that she was willing to share her with a family that had both a mommy and a daddy for her, and who love her so much. She often "brags" to total strangers that she is "the only one adopted in my family...that makes me really special." Yes Emi - you are real special!

Brayden getting to hold his little sister for the first time - even before his parents! He gave both Brenda and Emilie identical stuffed rabbits to hold for comfort.

Our first family picture, still at the agency - our eyes are a bit red and puffy (OK, our whole faces are red from crying!)
Emilie was only 4lbs 10 oz. when she was born. By the time we saw her at 3 weeks, she was a whopping 6 lbs, 2 oz. Brenda had her dressed in this white doll dress, she was so teeny.

Our beautiful girl today.
We have had our share of difficulties. Emilie and I are just too much alike, and sometimes we clash. However, she is such a special little girl to me. I love her with my entire heart and soul.
I watched her as she sang "I Am A Child of God" at church a couple weeks ago. She sang, "[Heavenly Father]...has given me, and earthly home, with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way. Teach me all that I must do, to live with Him someday." As I listened to her sing those words, my eyes filled with tears as I reflected on what a special daughter of God Emi is, and how privileged I am to have her call ME mom. I have a great responsibility to all of my children, to "lead them, guide them, walk beside them. Help them find the way..." I can't thank my Heavenly Father enough for this great honor.